Yep. I am profoundly broken. Let me tell you, it came as a big surprise to me too. Not only am I messed up enough to need to embrace change; this revelation was made to me on Christmas day. Merry fucking Christmas indeed.
“How?” “How,” you ask, “was this important information conveyed to you?” Via email, naturally. It makes perfect sense that when a person that barely knows you wants to tell you something as important as how uncommunicative you are, how much you are suffering and how badly you were abused as a child, email is the best way to do that. Email is a very personal and sincere way to tell someone whom you have been in the presence of maybe 0.15% of the their waking hours over their lifetime that their life is not worthwhile or enjoyable – but it can be if they choose to change and deal with their ‘issues’.
After I recovered from my initial shock that my life was neither worthwhile nor productive, I delved into the topic a bit further. More shock!! More Horror! I am a slut. As if that wasn’t enough, I was traumatized by acts of my family as a child which I do not even remember. At all. Even a tiny little bit. The particular incident cited made such a major impact on my childhood mind that I have repressed it completely. Either that or it was a complete non-happening. One of the two. BUT – I was not being judged or blamed for being a total cum dumpster. (Except that my life isn’t worthwhile or productive… I guess… somehow.) Excuse me for a moment, I need to go suffer some more.
Great. I feel much worse now. That was some excellent suffering. Perhaps I can manage to keep from killing myself for a few more minutes if I try a little to forget the childhood trauma that I don’t remember.
It has also come to light that having a college degree, white collar job, a home and two kids that are reasonably normal is a rationalization. None of that matters. I am still profoundly broken. (And slutty.) But there is hope for me. The second half of my life could possibly not suck so much. A person that barely knows me can help!
Being as completely screwed up, unhappy and useless as I am I had to decline the offer of alternatives to my suffering. See, when life has no moments of joy and you are not in any way productive there just isn’t any way out of it. I am a victim (reportedly). I was so sadly abused as a child that Humpty Rama cannot be put back together again. BRB. Gotta go screw someone random.
Fantastic. Now that I have no dignity to go with my uselessness and suffering, I’ll go back to my regularly scheduled programming. To wit: raising two kickass smart alec kids, paying my own way, being sarcastic and doing crafty shit. (I’ll do my best not to enjoy any of it, since that is what broken slutty people do. I guess we’re shit out of luck on not being productive since I get paid to do a valuable job. Fuck! One more thing to despair about. I can’t even be an uncommunicative unproductive slut properly.)
There. I feel better now. Or worse. Wait. How am I supposed feel? I’ll go ask someone who doesn’t know me.