Perspective is a bitch sometimes. Most of the time is sucks the most when it’s absolutely something we need to see. I have to confess I spend a lot of time squinting and making things look fuzzy on purpose so that I don’t have to deal with the reality of it head on. Plausible deniability, baby. No, Dr. Phil, it’s not working all the great for me. Thanks for asking.
So, Dr. Phil asks, what is it that brought on this sudden epiphany about perspective? (Imaginary Dr. Phil is excited to be able to use words like ‘epiphany’ with me since I’m not a brain dead moron.) Well, Phil, a lot of things. But specifically, some spring cleaning. It’s been almost 2 years since Harvey moved out and I’m STILL finding things that he hid from me.
Rama, what are you finding? Did he cheat on you?
Yes. But I already knew that.
What did you find?
It’s not what I found. It’s the fact that I’m still finding the same things. Paystubs that were stashed so I wouldn’t know how much he made. Things he bought and hid the boxes and receipts because he knew I’d say we didn’t need whatever it was when we were on a really tight budget. Things he dirtied or ruined and hid rather than cleaning up or fixing/replacing.
And why is it that this bothers you after 2 years?
During the time we were together I never realized the lengths he would go to in order to do whatever he wanted. Get whatever he wanted. It’s only after all this time and finding lots and lots and lots of evidence over these 2 years that I realize what a waste it was for me to try to stick it out and make things work. He didn’t value me and my wants and needs. But the worst part is neither did I. I let him do that.
If you want more, you have to require more from yourself. Why did you let him devalue you?
I thought I was supposed to. Married meant I was supposed to have my spouse’s back. We were a team. Us against the world. He was supposed to have my back. I simply couldn’t believe that my husband really did not give one single shit about me. I was a vehicle to get what he wanted that he put up with because the benefits outweighed the negatives. The negatives all had work arounds anyway. I had his back. He had his back. I had a knife in my back.
Okay. Sometimes you make the right decision; sometimes you make the decision right. That’s what you tried to do. Make the decision right. So, all this time later, why does that still matter?
Well Phil, it doesn’t. The magic of divorce is that he’s still making the same mistakes (from my perspective mistakes) that he was making 10 years ago and I get to think they’re funny because they aren’t my problem. It took the repeated finding of stuff to remind me that I deserve a hell of a lot better than that.
Sometimes you’ve just gotta give yourself what you wish you were getting from someone else. So, what’s the take away from this, Rama?
A couple of things. 1) I don’t need a man. Having some help sometimes would be awesome, but I can make it all work just like this. In fact, it’s a shitload easier to do it myself than to drag someone unwilling along for the ride. 2) I have a lot to offer someone who is willing to work with or overlook the fact that I’m batshit crazy. 3) Not being with someone is totally fine.
I think this has been a great learning experience for you, Rama. You’re only lonely if you’re not there for you. It sounds like you’re on the road to being there for you. I look forward to hearing about how things turn out as you go forward. Thanks everyone for tuning in today. So long!